Pure and Simple Craziness
One girl's crazy life of being a music major. Family, boy and music problems.Sunday, February 06, 2005
So yet another semester has started. I've pretty much decided that I'm never graduating. Ever. I'll just be a professional student. =) The semester isn't going too bad so far. Most of my classes are a lot easier than what I thought that they were going to be. I'm taking music history 4, concert band, conducting, arts and sciences and lessons. The A&S class is worth 4 credit hours and is soooo easy. It's supposed to last from 11-1:50 and it usually only lasts until 12-12:30. My group is awesome two. We get along really well. It's me and two guys, which oh so loving boyfriend isn't thrilled with, but he's dealing. I'm used to hanging out with guys, so it's so much easier to hang out with them than girls. Anyway, we have a lot fun together.
Music history is so awesome so far. I'm really enjoying that class. Right now we're listening to music from all over the world. We started with Brazilian music (my prof is from there) and it's so fascinating how different their top ten chart is from ours. Brazilian music is so cool. It's this music that has jazz harmonies and a water down version of samba rhythms. Just listening to this music made me want to go out and get a saucy spighetti strap red dress and high stilletto heels and dance the salsa outside in the sweltering Brazilian sun. Doesn't that just sound wonderful?
Then we listened to this song that was performed by a bunch of postal workers from Ghana. It had this cool beat that they made by using stampers and they whistled this harmony that even had a harmony line. Learning about this 20th century music makes me wonder what happened to our culture that makes music such a small part of it, you know? I mean, music just isn't something that most people make every day. A lot of people listen to music on a regular music, but even music majors, when was the last time you spontaneously burst out with this rhythm and a random melody that you made up on the spot? I mean, we have band rehearsals everyday, but it's never anything spontaneous that comes from deep down in our souls. Other cultures use music for everything from celebrating birthdays and marriages to mourning deaths. Why doesn't our culture still use music in the light? I don't think I'll ever understand what happened.
I'm sitting with Pandora right now. I love this cat. She's always following me around and wanting to play with me. Daisy, too. Unlike Speedy, they actually like people. Sometimes I feel like that weird cat lady, though cause Pandora and Daisy are my cats.
Things with me and Brian are going pretty well. He doesn't completely understand that I can't tell him everything when it comes to SAI stuff. It's fraternity business, if it's anything that I should tell him, I would. But it's just the usual fraternity stuff that we're not allowed to talk about. *sigh* He tries to compare it to guitar studio stuff. I was just like, we don't go to strip clubs for SAI stuff or go to parties where there's guys and not tell our boyfriends. Which he has done both. Except at the party he went to he didn't tell me that there were girls at the party. I was told it was going to be a guy thing. Well, one of my girl friends happens to be a guitar minor and was invited to the party. Afterward she informed me that there were female vocal majors there. Needless to say, I was pissed. What makes it worse is that he gets soooo jealous when I even just hang out with a guy. Like I used to play duets with a guy clarinet player. Brian would get totally jealous.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
*stretching* Damn, today was a long day. But it will be the last long day in quite awhile. Well a good month, anyway. Maybe more, who knows. I need a break. Like, a true and honest break. I'm just.... I'm tired. Tired of working and not getting anywhere. Tired of waking up in the morning and practicing and knowing that no matter how much I practice and how much music I listen to, it's just not good enough. My sound makes my ears hurt right now and fingers are horrible. They always have been and they'll probably never be really great. I'm working on my major scales just cause I can't get them to work one at a time and they're not even even at 80. It's so discouraging. *sigh* Whatever. It's almost christmas break. One more final to go.
Sunday, March 14, 2004
*stretching* I can't believe that the school year is almost completely done. I mean, it's already March. We have, like, one and a half months left. It's ridiculous. This semester has just gone so fast. I think it's mostly due to my lack of being around. We had three weeks of school and than the wind band went do to convention down in columbus one week, a full week of class, then Brian and I traveled down to the sunny state so that he could audition for FSU, a full week of school and than spring break. Hopefully the next few weeks will be calmer, but I doubt it. I'm playing for my old high school's musical this week, so it will be a week of commuter girl for me. Between practicing and working on this rough draft that's due this coming week, I'd rather give the half hour up in the morning than at night, when I could be working.
Convention was awesome. It was pretty much two days straight of playing or being on a bus. We got these kick ass expensive rooms, on the university's bill, of course. I have never spent a night in a hotel as nice as these ones. I mean, there was a bedroom that was seperated from the living room with french doors. And the pillows! They were so unbelievably soft. You put your head down on them and just sank to the bed. It was awesome. We played at a bunch of high schools on our way down, three to be exact and than at the convention itself. All the performances went decently enough. It was tragic though, cause Amy's mom died during our last performance. She got a voicemail right when we were on stage to play, and called home to find out what was up and her mom had died earlier in the day. She went to stay with some cousins and then went home. We had to go meet some SAI's from other schools after that. None of us were particularly in the mood, but we'd already made plans. So, we put on our fake happy faces to meet our sisters. It was cool though, cause I knew some of them from high school from PMEA, so it was like a mini reunion, I just wish I would have felt more like being there.
Florida was fun. We had one of those red eye flights on our way down, though. I mean, it took off at 6 o'clock in the morning. Major suckage there. Then we had some time to kill in Atlanta, where we were changing planes. This air port is absolutely huge. I mean, they have actual restaurants in this place. Like Chili's and TGI Fridays. They were mini restaurants, but still. And they had mini kiosks galore for places like Cinnabon's and Ben and Jerry's. I mean, there was a mall in the airport. It was ridiculous. But of course we were too tired to really enjoy it. We were in Tallahassee by 12:30, which was awesome. We unpacked everything and got as settled in our room as we could. This place was 100% the worst motel I have ever stayed in. The only good thing about it was that it was literally on campus. The room smelled of cheap perfume, there were coffee stains on the walls, and when you took a shower, the water was so slow draining that by the time you were done, there was water up to your ankles in the tub. There wasn't even a pool =(We spent the afternoon wondering around campus and had dinner at the dining hall, which was a lot better than where we're at now. After that we practiced at the music school. Sad to say, but we were konked out by 6 that night. Brian got up to practice for an hour at 2 and than we didn't get up again until 11 or 12 the next day. Brian auditioned that day and I had a lesson with the assistant clarinet prof. She was pretty cool. I really enjoyed my lesson down there. And then we had dinner, got some alcohol and spent the rest of the night chilling. The next day, we took a thorough look around campus to see where all the buildings were and what not, Brian practiced and then we headed off to this huge ass mall. It was ridiculously big. I mean, it was huge!! The prices were decent, but there's a 7.5% tax down there. Big thumbs down to that. But they were having some major sales. I got this cute black with silver pinstripe shirt. Absolutely adorable. There was a pair of shoes on sale that I'd been wanting that you can't find around here and I'm really disappointed that I didn't grab those, too. When we were down there, we went to the melting pot for dinner. It's a little fondue restaurant that is really really ritzy. We had an appetizer of cheese fondue with bread, vegetables and apples to dip in it, a salad, and our main course was this platter that had duck, tenderloin, chicken, shrimp and vegetables( the veggies and shrimp deserve a big thumbs up from me). They set a pot of water that we had to wait to boil to cook the meat. Then there were all these dipper sauces and batters to choose from. Desert had to be the best, though. We chose this smores thing. It was delicous. They used milk chocolate, marshmellow and graham grackers and mixed it together and we had this tray with an array of fruit, cheesecake, graham crackers and pound cake to dip in it. Absolutely magnificent. Yum! Makes me hungry just thinking about it. And then we enjoyed our last night in Florida. The next day we packed up our stuff and headed to the airport. Our flight didn't leave until three, but we figured we could use the excess time playing cards, talking and napping on the fabulous couches in the A&M room. Well, our flight was finally supposed to take off, but they overbooked it, so we volunteered our seats. Because of this we got to free roundtrip tickets to ANYWHERE air tran flies. So we're going to go to the Bahamas! Everybody mambo! We are positively psyched about this. We've doing research non stop. We just have to pick a time to go. =)I think it's going to be in August cause hotels are cheaper because of the supposed hurricane season. We discovered though, that hurricanes rarely hit the islands, they actually hit the states more often than the Bahamas. I'm so pumped right now. Brian and I are going to open an account for the Bahama money.
And now it's spring break. Well, the end of spring break. It's actually the last day of spring break. *sigh* I spent last night at Brian's house enjoying our last night and part of last day of spring break. Today is going to be spent working on my music history paper. *blah* This week was a blast, though. Brian played at Cedar's on Saturday, I took care of him (he had a hang over) on sunday, monday was a girls' day, tuesday I had a lesson, wednesday I taught, thursday was a girls day and friday I went home and stayed there til Saturday. Bob gave me a free symphony ticket my lesson, I took full advantage of it last night. So I was the independent college sitting amongst a group of white haired symphony enthusiasts. It was cool, though. They played a Beethoven ballet, piano concerto and symphony no. 7.The pianist was good. Not as good as what he thought he was and symphony wasn't pittsburgh or cleveland, but still good. Plus my old lessons teacher from high school is in it. So it was very nice to see her. I wish I could have gotten to talk to her, though. I tried to get her attention, but to no avail.
So yeah. It's only March, and my year is already been kinda nutty. Gots ta love that. =)
I do have to say that everyday that Brian and I spend together we get closer and closer. It's so weird. I've never been this close to a guy and it's so wonderful. I just want to wrap myself up in the feeling like it were a warm blanket on one of those super cold days. When he looks at me, sometimes it's like he really sees me and it's scary. Other times it's like he sees this image of me that I'll never be able to live up to in a million years. I would never ever change this feeling though. I just feel so loved and so beautiful because of him. It's like I finally feel comfortable in my own skin. Because of him. I had to say that, and in the past I would have been mad at myself for saying it, but he's shown me a side of me that I didn't even know existed. I just hope that I've done the same for him that he's done for me. It just makes me want to fast forward through what's left of college and grad school and take me to a place where have jobs and are married with kids. He has never made me want that so much in my life. *sigh* I'm really looking forward to that day that we are married and can fully enjoy each other and our company whenever we want to, where ever the wind might take us. Ok, end sappy montage.....now.
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
What a crazy week. I swear. There was a concert on Monday and I've been super Betty Crocker since Sunday. The SAI (Sigma Alpha Iota) Mits (members in training) decided that it would be a wonderful idea to sell cookies for our fundraiser. Fine, whatever. Seven people, it'll take no time to whip up a ton of cookies. Yeah, right. The first night we did it, there was 4 of us cooking like fiends. Then Monday, there was two of us. Then tonight there was six of us that dwindled down to two. Of course it was the same two that did it on Monday. I suppose it's only fair that way, cause Renee is head of fundraising and I'm president. Should only be right that if it goes down to two, it should be the two of us. The only problem is that we have to put time that we don't have in to cookies. I could have been practicing or studying. *sigh* Oh well. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to join. I'm already super woman and doing SAI demands that I be ultra super woman. Hopefully after this semester things will have cooled down ten fold.
My lesson went well this week. We spent most of the time singing through the Mozart and playing through. I don't know how, but we still haven't gotten past the first page. It's psycho. I've been kicking butt, though. I mean my sound is awesome, my tongueing is clean and crisp and and finally starting to get the whole counting while I'm playing thing. It's great. =)
I can't wait for Brian to get here. I love waking up in his arms. It's the most amazing feeling ever. Plus I really really want to go to bed cause I have to get up early tomorrow morning. A bunch of high school kids are visiting to see it they want to cometo school here next year and we have to dress up for SAI, plus I have an interview. Speaking of, I should go type up a resume.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
*yawning* Wow, it's been forever since I blogged. It's a new school year, which means new classes, new people and new problems. *sigh* I swear, the craziness never ends. The first week of school I had, like, two classes a day, now it's so insane. On Mondays and Wednesdays, I'm done between 3 and 4, on Tuesdays I'm done at 6:30, Thursdays at 10:30 and fridays at 1. And all that is without practicing my insane amount of hours. So by the time I'm done praciticing it's anywhere between 10 and 11, plus hw on top of all that. And I have an 8:00AM class everyday, so there's really no good day to sleep in. *sigh* And I don'g get to see Brian near as much as I would like to. I just want to tear out every piece of my hair right now. I can't wait for the semester to end. I'm never taking so many classes again. Plus I'm concert master in concert band, bass clarinetist in Wind Ensemble, and bass clarinetist in clarinet choir. And stupid me agreed to play bass in this quintet. Poke my eyes out with my mouthpeice. So on any given day I play for anywhere from 6-8hrs. I really can't complain too much, though, cause my sound and everything is kick butt and my articulation has finally fallen into place. It's great. Plus now I've got section leader/principle experience that cannot be replaced. And I've only gotten good feedback about the way the clarinets sound. Ok, so I am enjoying this semester a lot.
And things couldn't be going better with Brian. We've had several talks about where this relationship is going and both of us have definitely come to the conclusion that this is it for us. No one else but each other. It's so thrilling to know that he feels the same way that I do. I even talked to this friend of his and she was just like, yeah, he's known you're the one since day one. I was ecstatic to find that out, cause I've pretty much felt the same way. That boy doesn't realize what a mushy mess he's made me. I mean, we were walking back from Arby's and goofing around and I manuevered myself so that my arms were around his super skinny waist (he sucks, he's stick skinny and eats buckets full of food) and I really didn't want to move. It felt so right and so wonderful and like I could stay just like that forever and ever a men. He's pretty much been spending every night here except for last night. He wanted me to spend the night at his house, but I was ready to konk out at 10:00. So, I was like, sorry sweetie, it's bed time. I actually got a full night's sleep and it was so wonderful, even though I didn't get to be with him. It's so wonderful when he spends the night. It feels like the only time we really get to see each other and just be with each other when we aren't thinking of anything else but each other. Ok, so not everything that has to do with us is puppies and roses, but a lot of it is and I wouldn't want it any other way. =) If you never get mad, how can you really care? I mean, to me the opposite of love isn't hate and anger, it's indifference. And boy can he make me MAD. But I can do the same thing for him. =) Plus it's fun as hell to annoy him. =)=) It's also really cool cause I'm 21 now, so that means that I can LEGALLY drink with him. It's nice to get all dolled up to go out for a drink. That's pretty much the only time that we actually go out on a date anymore. There's just no time. *sigh* I miss getting to spend the day with him and not worry about anything but what to do and when to practice. Honestly, if the of us got married and wholed up on a deserted island with nothing but each other and food to survive, I would die in complete and total bliss. I don't know what I'm going to do if he goes to Florida state next year for graduate school. I mean, I'll NEVER get to see him except for christmas vacation and summer. That's like, four out of the 12 mos of the year. If even that! I mean, he'll probably get an apartment, and really, what's the sense of paying the monthly lease if you're NOT going to be living there for those months. So I probably will only see him a couple times a year. *sigh* Ok, think positively, I'll get so much practing done. And school work. I will be super student next year. Plus I'll be able to practice late into the night and not worry about him waiting for a phone call from me saying it's cool for him to come over. I'll be back to staying at bliss until 1 in no time. Yay kick butt clarinet player!!
Thursday, May 01, 2003
Guy with girlfriend? Yup, totally has girlfriend, now. It's me. =) So, we've been together for about 2 and a half months and I enjoy spending time with him so much. I always get these major doubts about him when he's not around. Like, should I really be dating him? Can I really balance him, practicing and school work without toppling over? If it was just him and school work, everything would be great, but it's hard practicing so much cause I can do hw with him there, but I can't practice with him there. It's hard because I want to go see him and I want to practice. But by the time I'm done practicing for the full amount it's usually around 7 or so and with school work on top of that... It's just hard. Specially since I could be happy for eternity if I could just curl up in his arms. It's like, everything was so much easier when I was single. I didn't have to worry about anybody else, I could practice whenever I wanted to and not be upset because I wouldn't be getting to see him. Every practical part of my body is telling me to break up with him, but there's still one very defiant part that says hell no, he's the one and if you screw this up, then you'll be giving up more than you know. Plus there's my irrational fear of commitment that always seems to pop up after I hit the two month mark with a boyfriend. So, half of me is like, you should be running the other way screaming at the top of your lungs right now and the other half is like, hold on to him tight and never ever let him go. It's so confusing, but the minute I get enveloped in his arms, I forget all of those worries and just enjoy the time we have together. He's completely turning me into one of those majorly ushy gushy girls that I used to loathe and make fun of all the time. The worst part? I enjoy it IMMENSELY. And I don't even think he realizes. Like today, I have yet to see or talk to him. It hasn't even been twenty four hours and I miss him soooo much. There's this dull little ache that won't go away until he's somewhere close by. We don't even have to be touching, just knowing he's in the same building is comforting.
He can be this totally sweet and caring guy. I love him so much. Like, for no reason at all, he gave me flowers and chocolate. When I'm sick and on my period, he's just like, how can I pamper you. He can be just as much as a sappy romantic as I can, no matter how much he completely denies it. I love him and everything about him. From the way he talks to the way he plays guitar. I just love him. See? I'm gushing. He totally turned me into this love struck mess and I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm still learning what it takes to make a long term relationship. Baby steps. He's had several and i just feel very inferior when it comes to that. I'm just like, give me time. Like, yesterday, out of nowhere, he's like, why do you only say I love you when we're in bed together. I just sat there startled for a moment going, huh? I didn't even realize that that was the only time I initiate it. Honesly? It's where I'm the most comfortable with him. There's no bars, no barriers, no restrictions. Just him and me looking directly into each others eyes. It's the most intimate and vulnerable moment ever, yet it's the only moment I can say I love you. I just want to be like, look, this is the longest relationship I've ever had just give me time to adjust to everything that has to do with you. From saying I love you to just getting used to saying we instead of I when I talk about going anywhere. Cause I usually don't go anywhere without him unless it's absolutely necessary. I need time. I just hope he understands and is patient with me. Giving my body away is one issue, but giving my heart, away that's an issue all it's own. When it comes to my heart there's not playing around. No games, no lies, no reason. When it comes to my heart it just is. And I love him and he has my heart completely and if he really wanted to, he could crush it completely. I don't think he realizes that just yet, but I'm sure he will soon. It terrifies me that he has that much control over me and he knows that. When it comes to being terrified about something, he's the first person i run to about it. Especially when it comes to us. I just hope he handles my heart with care. It's been cracked, taped, shattered and glued back together so many times that I don't know if it could it again. Of course life would go on, but I don't think I could be near as trusting as I am now. And it's taken me nearly two months to completely and totally trust him. I have to completely and totally trust him.
What's especially hard is when his exgf calls. He says he wants nothing to do with her but there will always be this little bit of doubt gnawing away at the edges of my mind. He still talks about her. Although he complains about her when he does mention her. I still see green and I just wannabe like, no bitch. You had four years with him. He's mine now. Then we'd have to throw down and I'd get beat up and it just wouldn't be a pretty sight. It's just like when Amy's around and all she does is flirt with him. He used to flirt right back until I said something to him about it. It bothers me.
I've never been this jealous before. I never dated a guy this cute before. He is so hot. I could look at those baby blue eyes of his forever. When he looks at me, I can generally tell exactly what he's thinking. When he looks at me with his eyes filled with love, I just want to stare at them forever and never look anywhere else. *sigh* No more sappiness. I swear.
Thursday, February 20, 2003
Guy with girlfriend? Totally no longer has a girlfriend. I totally like him, but we're not bf and gf yet. I kinda feel like rebound girl, but I've never been this happy before. I totally enjoy hanging out with him. * sigh* I'm just afraid he's going to take my heart and totally rip it in two. I just have a feeling about him, though. Like he's going to be seriously important to me. I don't know. Maybe not. We'll just have to wait and see. We had a long talk on Tuesday night (Wednesday morning?) about everything. Him breaking up with his gf, his crush on me and what we're going to do about everything. We're pretty much on a wait and see basis. He's super comfy with me and I'm starting to become that way with him. I just... I have this feeling that it doesn't really matter what I do, he's still gonna like me for me. I've never had that feeling before. I also have this extreme fear that he's going to get tired of me. Right now, I'm completely on top of my game and in tip top shape with witty comments, but by the end of the semester... I get totally burned out and I'm just like,,,, Duh... I don't him to get bored with me. I kinda want to keep him around for awhile. Anyway, that night, I didn't get back until 2 AM. the next day, my one roomie was just like, I got back at 1:45. Where the hell were you? I was just like um... Of course I told her so that she could yell at me and tell not to hang out with him again because of the whole just breaking up a gf thing. She's so not doing her job and being my conscience. *sigh* So I guess we'll just wait and see.
If last night is any indication, I think it might be awhile before he gets bored with me. =) We ate supper, which neither one of us could finish (a week of hanging out and we're already used to sharing meals) and than off to Barnes and Nobles to stare longingly at overpriced cd's and than to Target to play and than off to the Ring. Which was an incredibly weird movie, let me tell you. He was glad that I picked a scary movie that way I could pretty much curl closer and closer to him and hide. I've never done that with a guy before. I don't think I've ever actually been to a scary movie on a date. But it was fun. =) I didn't get back until 2 in the morniing AGAIN. Next week is gonna suck cause it's gonna be kinda crazy. I mean, BG and dress rehearsal on Sunday, concert on Monday, Orchestra concert on Wednesday and a paper that's due on Thursday for my history class. and another concert on Sunday. Plus practicing and all that jazz. It's gonna be a busy week next week. I can't believe we've spent so much time together this week. It's NUTS.
I was talking to the guitar class about it on Monday, cause we all went to the Dawn and the guitar prof was asking about it. Everyone was just like, good. I talked to Sara, too, and she's like, you are so much cooler than his ex-gf was. I'm like, yay! So we'll see how everything goes. =)
